Dear Hudson,

I remember the first time that I ever saw you; You had the most beautiful features that I’d ever seen.  You stopped crying as soon as I held you in my arms and in that moment, I felt like I was placed on this earth to be your mother.  I remember the first time that you smiled at me; You were lying on the couch while I was editing photos of you.  I looked down at you and you gave me the cutest little grin that made my heart melt on the spot.  I remember the first time I had to leave you for the day to shoot a wedding; I thought I was going to break in half because I missed you so much.  I remember the time that we spent an entire afternoon under a big tree;  You spent forty minutes laughing as the leaves blew in the wind and I spent that time thinking you were the most amazing little boy I had ever laid eyes on.  I remember your first Halloween and how much you hated being dressed in your lion costume.  But I also remember your second Halloween when you went door-to-door trying to give everyone else candy!  I remember the first time you crawled…the first time you walked…the first time you talked {you said ‘mama’}…and I remember the look of pride that you had on your face when you accomplished each of these things.  I remember when you were sick during your first Christmas and you stayed curled up on my lap for days until you got better.  I remember when you would run down the hall to give me kiss for no reason at all and I remember how it felt when you would tuck your head into my chest when you were tired.  I remember the day before Avery was born and I was lying the floor trying to alleviate some of the discomfort she was causing…you came and laid down next to me with your head on my shoulder.  I remember how you stretched out your arms as I left for the hospital the next morning.  I remember it all…

I know that these aren’t things that you will ever be able to look back on because you’re so young…but I do.  And not only am I looking back, but I’m clinging to every fiber of these beautiful moments because – right now – things seem exceptionally hard for the two of us.

Eight weeks ago, I left for awhile so that I could bring your sister home…and I feel like you haven’t quite forgiven me for it yet.  It feels like we spend our days fighting now…the toddler in you…the parent in me….going head to head for hours at a time.  And it’s hard.  Really hard.  You have my stubbornness…your daddy’s intensity…and a strong will that is all your own.  It is that will that is making me spend each day feeling less and less deserving of being your mother.  It is that will that causes me to fear that, even now – at the young age of twenty-two months – I have failed you already; that my actions {or lack thereof} have caused this beast to be unleashed inside of you…a beast that isn’t terribly fond of me right now.  Sometimes I feel like our collective tears could fill an ocean at this point.

Where once there was peace…there is now a war zone as we both battle it out in an attempt to find our way in this new terrain.  When you spend all day screaming at me…I often want to scream back at you {and sometimes I do}.  When you spend all day rejecting me…my instinct often drives me to want to reject you in return.  Perhaps these feelings are the very reason that I’m failing right now {and the reason that some of you are calling social services right now!} but this is also my reality right now and the feelings that are accompanying them.  I know that you are a child.  I know that you don’t understand what is happening right now.  I know that you are just trying to cope.  I know that it’s a phase you have to go through {or so I’m told countless times a day}.  But I also know that this knowledge doesn’t always make it easier for me.  It’s still hard.  It still hurts.  You are my only son…my little boy…and I miss you.  I miss the boy I used to know.

Sometimes I wonder if God made a mistake…if He meant for you to be entrusted to someone else…someone better.  I remember sitting in the bathtub, tears streaming down my face, as I confessed to your daddy the complete disappointment I felt in myself at being your mother…how you deserved more.  More patience.  More understanding.  More candy!  When I was pregnant with you, I felt confident in our days together.  I felt that for all of the things I had failed at in life…being your mother was something I would be good at…something I would thrive at.  And yet, here I am, being shown more and more my own fallibility…my own humility.

And so I do my best to remember.  To remember a time when the days weren’t so hard.  A time when you weren’t saving your smiles and laughter for someone else.  A time when my heart wasn’t breaking at each passing minute.  I hold on to these days in hopes that you will find your way back to me…that we will find our way back to each other.

And when that time comes {God willing…that time will come}…our tears will stop flooding our days.  And when that time comes…you will hopefully have forgiven me for all I have done and all that I will fail to do.  And when that time comes…hopefully I will have forgiven myself too.

I love you, my baby boy…

Photo courtesy of Danielle Lynn Photography.