Dear Baby Leon,

I was thinking about you the other day as I watched our son roam the trails behind our house. I had no idea when I was giving birth to him, that I was actually bringing life to the bravest person I would ever meet.

He lives his life with such reckless abandon. He’s not afraid of relationships…of falling down…of getting hurt. He runs towards everything beautiful in this world and if it knocks him down…he simply gets up and tries again. I love this about him.

I wish I was more like him.

Watching him made me wonder what you would have been like. Who you would have been like.

Did I ever tell you how you got your nickname? We found out about you just before Christmas and ended up calling you Leon…NOEL…backwards. We were so in love with you. We couldn’t wait to meet you. And we hurt like we’ve never hurt before when we lost you.

My skin was pale and my body was limp when I was brought to the hospital. I wouldn’t let your Daddy be with us when they looked for your heartbeat…because I knew it would be gone…and two dying hearts in one room was enough.

We struggled through your loss. Our loss. And things got worse before they got better. I shed a thousand more tears and our fear grew deep in the months that followed. But on the day that you were due to come into this world, we stood on top of St. Peter’s Basilica in Italy…overlooking the world…and we said goodbye to you.

A week later, we heard Hudson’s heart beat for the first time. And it was one of the best days of my life. He came into the world six months later…a little over a year after we lost you.

I need you to know how amazing our son is. I need you to know how brilliant and strong and brave he is. I need you to know how very loved he is. Because if it weren’t for you…we wouldn’t have met him.

And when I see him staring up at the world in complete wonder…a part of me thinks he’s staring up at you…smiling at you…telling you that it’s all okay. That we’re all are okay.

But I guess you already know that. Because you were the one that made us okay.

I still like to think though, that when the birds fly overhead and he reaches up to touch them…you see each other; the two heartbeats that made us whole.

Sweet dreams, little one. Don’t ever stop flying…

Love,
Mommy xo