Did you know that the six Sundays of Lent are not actually “included” in Lent?  Most people know that Lent is forty days but fewer people seem to realize that Ash Wednesday to Easter weekend is actually forty-six days!  And that’s because Sundays are Feast Days.  Sundays are the Sabbath.  Sundays are all little “mini-Easters” if you will and in turn, they are to be spent celebrating and not sacrificing.  Some Orthodox religions even add two additional weeks onto Lent and take both the Saturday and the Sunday off.  Lovely, don’t you think?!?!

All of this was of little help to me though because the morning that I dragged my sorry self into Starbucks last week was a Tuesday and not a Sunday…and it had nothing to do with celebrating and everything to do with a house filled with two sick and sleepless boys {both big and little!}!  While all of my righteousness and nobility remained buried under the covers…there I stood, at 5:45am in the brisk March morning air, desperately waiting for the doors to open and for someone to insert a caffeine drip in my arm so that I could survive the coming hours!  The doors opened, the baristas greeted me enthusiastically and I lowered my head in shame as I ordered the largest coffee on the menu. Ugh…the misery of it all!!!  But really, what mother gives up coffee for Lent anyways?!?

So, there you have it folks…one week in and one commitment already blowing in the wind!  How’s that for discipline and self-control?!?!  But in my defense, I urge each and every one of you to spend an entire week without sleeping more than ninety minutes at a time and then let me know how sacrificial you’re feeling!  Just the fact that I lasted three whole days under these conditions is a testament to just how hard I genuinely tried to be stronger than the powers that be!

Before you write me off entirely though, I fully intend to jump back on the band wagon as soon as humanly possible.  Now that both baby and husband are feeling {mostly} better and sleep has decided to revisit us {albeit sporadically interrupted by bouts of coughing in the night}, I will attempt to redeem myself, regardless of how pointless it may seem now.  But coffee consumption aside, I’ve found the last week to be a rather enlightening experience because it really made me think more about the role that guilt plays in our lives.

I am notorious for letting guilt be a driving force in my life.  Feeling bad about any number of things has always managed to find it’s way into the fiber of my being and seek permanent residency.  I’m a better at this than I once was and I’ve managed to learn over time just how useless an emotion this really is but I noticed that I still fall prey to the guilt of my own expectations…which frankly, is far worse than anyone else lathering it on.  There was no end to the torment that I induced on myself as I drove to Starbucks that Tuesday morning; no end to the feelings of disappointment for not being stronger than the sleepless nights I was enduring.  And this is often what I do.  Whether it be about getting enough exercise, eating less sugar, keeping up with my blog, perfecting my images, being more patient with my son or forty days of attempted discipline…I can be overly harsh on myself and ultimately, it changes my focus and my motivation.  Pretty soon, I find myself acting out of desire to run from the negative voice instead of running towards the positive one.  And I don’t like this.  Of all the things that can motivate us to move forward, I want mine to better than to simply avoid guilt.  And that’s when it occurred to me that I may actually be missing the entire point of Lent {which might also explain why it’s such a challenge at times}…

I don’t believe that God ever wants us to act out of resistance.  Despite what many people believe, I think that guilt is a man-made emotion created by our selfish needs.  And I think that God wants us to want to be good and do good and feel good…instead of us just wanting to ‘stay out of trouble’ in the same manner that a five year-old would.  This thought was eye opening for me because now that I’m a mother, I feel that I can understand this desire better than I once could.  I want Hudson to want the best for himself {not just Steve and I wanting it for him} and I want Hudson to hold himself to a higher standard than the world may expect of him.  Not because he is better than anyone else but because we – collectively as human beings – can be better, and he is a part of that collective unity.  We all are.

I realize that I’ve taken a bit of a verbal detour here but the point that I’m trying to make is that standing there, in the darkness…waiting for the Starbucks doors to open, made me realize that the approach we take to life {or to Lent} will definitively change its outcome.  Sure, I could feel horrible for having broken my commitment a mere seven days into it…or I could acknowledge that I was doing what was necessary {and yes, coffee was necessary!!!!} to be the best mother and wife that I could be in that given situation {which was filled with runny noses, dark circles under my eyes and two very grouchy boys!}.  I can assure you that the gift of my elevated disposition was far more appreciated in our house this past week than the gift of self-discipline ever would have been!  Don’t get me wrong, I’m not suggesting that this be a reason for bailing on my commitments altogether, but I am saying that as I approach the remaining weeks of Lent, I need to make a conscious effort to consider why I’ve chosen certain things over others.  Is it because I’ve been motivated by underlying feelings of guilt {which, at $5.00 a coffee is entirely possible!} or is it because I want to be the best version of myself that I can be and this is simply one more step closer to becoming so?  The honest truth is that I’m not really sure yet and as I continue to take the time to figure out how much I really want guilt to play a role in my life, hopefully the answers will come to me.  And not just in reference to my morning coffee run…but in regards to my relationships, my insecurities, my motivations.

I certainly can’t guarantee that the next four weeks of Lent will be entirely decaffeinated but I do believe that self-awareness and insight is worth far more than withholding my peppermint mocha would be.  And I’m pretty sure that God would be proud of me!

{p.s. I googled Starbucks images and this delightful treasure popped up…but there was no photo credit to it at all as it was on a discount blog hence, there is no photo credit here either.  Sorry!}