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PRAYING IN ANGER
May 6, 2011
I woke up this morning to the worst news that I’ve ever heard…leaving me to do nothing but walk around in a silent haze of tears and disbelief. The past two days has left me in shock…in fear…in sadness.
As a friend, this news has broken my heart into a million pieces. As a mother, I can hardly breathe. As a person living in this world, its left me afraid of the safety that we don’t really have…the safety that we’ve never really had.
And then there is faith…
As a woman of faith, I believe in purpose and reason beyond understanding. I believe in strength and possibility beyond our own creation. I believe in being carried along the shore when we can’t make it on our own. But as a woman of faith, I am also falling on my knees in anger. Anger towards the injustice I see around me. Anger towards the pain and agony that is not deserved. Anger towards the innocence of life that is forever taken away. Anger that my friend will never be the same person again. Anger that two people may never hold their son again. Anger is my prevaling act of faith right now.
A few minutes ago, as Hudson fell asleep on my lap…and I couldn’t put him down. I couldn’t let him go. I couldn’t leave him alone in a world that simply doesn’t look the same anymore. I just wanted to wrap him in my arms and forever keep him protected. But I can’t. I can’t always keep him safe because that is not life…that is fear. And while fear is running a very close second to my anger right now…I know that I can only let him go and selfishly pray that God will spare us from ever being on the other end of such horrific news.
So as I walk around picking up Hudson’s books up off the floor…I cry out in anger. I am yelling at God…I am screaming at God…I am bringing my tears to God because I want God to be wrong…just this once. I want to grab God by the shoulders and shake Him and tell Him that He’s made a terrible mistake.
No parent should ever have to go through this. No friend should ever have to share this news. No human being should ever have to endure such immense heartbreak.
There are days when having faith is a really difficult thing to do.
Today is one of those days.
For some moments in life there are no words. ~David Seltzer, Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory
Gen, I don’t know you….but i feel your pain. although you may not feel this way today, it is your faith that will guide you through this pain tomorrow. hold it tight.
xx
Sarah
Imagine how hard it would be to cope without Faith? We have to lean on God and not our own understanding… Being a parent is the most amazing and terrifying thing, it is so out of our control! My heart aches for you and your friends. Continue to cry out to God… he is the only one who can sustain you.
Anger isn’t bad. It’s a good emotion that protects you from feeling pain that would be to unbearable to feel right now. My thoughts and prayers go out to you and those that are suffering around you.
Lee-Ann
Gen – your anger is understandable, and that is how God works through you during times like these. We live in a world where there are events that are terrible and tragic, and there are events that are joyous and loving. Both exist and we are tasked with learning how to live in both situations. When tragedy strikes anyone, especially a young child, it is so difficult. We try to rationalize, try to make sense of it, blame anyone and everyone for it happening, even God, however, it is not possible sometimes to give reason or rationalize such an event. Our anger comes, the tears come, the shock and dismay overwhelms – these are all natural reactions… but with all of these things, there also comes the opportunity to choose. Pain in life is inevitable, but we choose to be miserable. I was just talking this morning with a friend about how anger is like pouring boiling water into a pond – what ends up happening? All the fish are dead. Be angry, but let it go before it hurts your world. What happened is tragic, there is no doubt. Unfortunately in this life, many tragic and incomprehensible things happen, but we always have a choice in how we allow them to impact on our life, on ourselves. That’s the grace of the moment. There is so much more to be done than be lost in anger or doubt or fear… Sending you big hugs and lots of love during this difficult time. xo
I am reminded of the poem, “Footprints in the Sand”, where it concludes with, “The Lord replied, ‘The times when you have seen only one set of footprints, is when I carried you.'”
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs
(1 Corinthians 13:4-5).
I had to look into your blog, because I felt it might have some answers for my intuitions. Without suffering, there would be no compassion…is what comes to my mind, followed by…any words simply can not take away the pain and heartache…
I am thinking of you…more than you know!! Count your blessings, and I will count mine!!
xoxo
Love You My Friend …
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