I was in my mid-twenties when I came face-to-face with my first {and only} real bully.  And by “real”, I mean that – regardless of her intentions and regardless of my perceptions – it was real to me.  The experience was real…my feelings about it were real…the impact of it all was real.

Sometimes, the pain of life happens subtly.  Sometimes, it’s so subtle that you don’t even notice it’s happening until one day, you come around a corner and realize that you are merely a fragment of the person you once were.  That’s what happened during this time.  Passive bullying happened.  Eighteen months of emotional mind games…torment…and a systematic picking apart of my self-esteem happened.

For a time…I thought this experience would potentially break my spirit.  I thought that I would never quite be the same again.  I so vividly remember sitting in my car, sobbing uncontrollably, and wanting to know why I wasn’t good enough.  Why wasn’t I good enough to be included?  Why wasn’t I good enough to be treated with respect?  Why wasn’t I good enough to deserve kindness? It was actually one of the hardest things that I’ve ever been through during my adult life, and to this day, there are moments in which the memory of it – of that person – still floods my mind.  Moments when I’m sad.  Moments when I’m hurting.  Moments when it’s just easier to let the darkness back in.

I wasn’t entirely free of guilt in that situation either though, because I didn’t fight back.  I allowed it to happen and I allowed it to continue.  I let my intense vulnerability at the time become a factor and as a result, I gave way to that darkness in the first place.  Also, in my overwhelming desire for approval, I compromised my morals and my values…in turn, hurting other people along the way…including myself.

This is not a time in my life that I’m proud of and not one that I share easily.  But for better or for worse…it was just that…time.

This morning, we had Avery dedicated at our church.  We stood with her, before our congregation, and asked the church to support us as a family.  We asked them to be with our daughter as she grows up in this world and to be with us as we teach her about this world.

While close to 800 people stood up and prayed for our family…I had my own prayer for my daughter…a prayer that had been years in the making…

I pray that she always knows how much God loves her and that in His eyes…she is always enough.  I pray that – one day – when someone decides to take their own hurts and insecurities out on her…she realizes that they are, indeed, hurt and insecure.  I pray that, instead of letting the darkness in…she allows her magnificent light to prevail.  Because despite the actions of those who attack…they too, deserve grace.  I pray that her soul always remains gentle and that the ways of the world never harden her.  I pray that she will call on forgiveness to be her greatest weapon and that she’ll give her heart as her greatest gift.  I pray that she will always stand tall in defense of her principles and never let anyone make her feel small.  I pray that she knows she’s always worth it.  She’s worth knowing…she’s worth loving…she’s worth respecting…

I pray she’ll always remember – that the people who love her…are worth so much more than those who refuse to love her…