the blog
OWNING IT
October 13, 2015
I used to think it was him. I used to think that my husband saved me. That he healed me. That he carried me through the darkness of my life and brought me out on the other side. I believed that I was only whole because he held all of my broken pieces in the palm of his hand and put them back together again.
I was wrong.
And for a while, I used to think it was them; my son…my daughter…the beautiful lives that had been entrusted to me. I believed that their beating hearts saved me. Their purity…their perfection…their need for me to be better than who I really was.
Again. I was wrong.
Because no one else saved me.
I did.
My husband accepted me. He knew who I was and what I had gone through. He knew the struggle that was lying inside of me and the struggle that we would likely have to fight together. He knew all of this. And yet, he never needed me to change. And when the time came, he allowed me to heal on MY terms…when I was ready. He let me fight my demons and make my mistakes. He let me cry and scream and hurt and bleed until there was barely a fragment of me left standing. And it was all okay. Because, to him, I had always been okay. To him, I had always been strong and brave and resilient and whole. To him, I had already fought the biggest fight of all…and that was surviving.
My children brought me to life. They let me live their beautiful innocence and reclaim my own. They needed me through my strength and through my weakness. They let me embrace the hurting pieces of my littlest self and love it into forgiveness.
But I’m still the one who did the work.
I did.
I was the one who went to the darkest parts of my soul and fought like a warrior. I was the one who stood up to the demons. I was the one who took on the battle. I was the one who made the decision. I was the one who got beaten down time and time again. And I was the one who stood back up time and time again. I was the one who never gave up and I was the one wouldn’t accept defeat.
But furthermore, I am the one who wakes up every day and continues the fight. Every single day, I have to make the choice to crawl on the altar so I can sacrifice who I was, in honour of who I can be.
Every day, I have to choose all over again.
And for everything that everyone else has done…only I can do that.
As I stood out on the water…I watched the world declare victory over another day. I watched the sun set and the wind blow and night sweep over us. And I watched the biggest lesson of my past year become clear…
If I’m going to own the tragedy…then I owe it to myself to own the triumph.
For the past ten years I have said exactly the same thing about my husband saving me and not to take anything away from his love for me but you are right about owning the triumph too….you are absolutely and clearly right…thank you once again…❤️
i love reading your blog and posts…so deep and reflective among other things..
Thank you, as I was reading all I could do was think thank you for saying what I have thought so many times! Beautifully said! From your heart and soul, your words hit mine. Thank you again
And that lesson crosses over so many of our life’s paths. If you did it, own it! Good, bad or indifferent – we are the Captains of our ship!
I read this and thought you weren’t alone like I was and still am but I did the work and I say because of my daughter I had to and I still do, alone but she has been through enough we both have so I still want to be here for her do with her I’m really not alone
Beautiful.
I exist therefore I am. A simple but potent phrase. I survived therefore
This is amazing It’s good that you have someone, many of us don’t
Beautiful. Resounds deep in me and I am so very humble that I have found your blog. Hopefully I begin to put my thoughts and life into words in a way that is as graceful as you do. Thank you!
WOW. I feel your pain in a deeply personal and intimate way.
This is the second post of yours that I have read and both of them were a total reflection of my life, my thoughts and my heart. I don’t believe this is an accident. I believe God is raising up strong, experienced women to minister to the needs of the broken and down hearted, most especially as we approach the end times. Women need us to speak truth into their lives…we’ve walked through the fire, we’ve been burned and we survived…by the grace of God. Your posts are an encouragement and a blessing to me. Thank you! (The first blog post I read was dated September 30)
FANTASTIC!!
That is my life partner! I love you so much sweetheart.
With tears in my eyes I found myself saying time and time again, “yes, yes yes”. I repeatedly read your blogs and writings and just feel like you are reaching into my heart and writing so beautifully the words that I can never seem to find. Today was a HUGE day for me and my therapist and although the mountain of work ahead of us seems overwhelming right now, I know that I am in the right place, with the right person working to feel brave again. I think we don’t give enough credit to the strong hard work it takes to confront those demons inside of us and the continual choice not to allow our past to define the present and our future whatever it may be. Thank you for reminding me once again, I’m not alone
So beautiful. Yes. If we own the tragedy, we get to own the triumph.
❤️
Every word is truth:-)
Beautifully written thanki
How you put words into a story is so inspiring to me. What a gift you have to share. Please keep on sharing. God Bless.
Thank you. Once again you have been humblingly honest about yourself and said what so many are struggling to say for themselves.
So beautifully written and very touching. Congratulations on fighting your battle and looking into your soul and rejoicing and accepting what is to be. I am so very thankful that I have found your blog and just love to read, it gives me such peace for the rest of my day. All the best Sue Beardwood
Your writing is so exquisite, beautiful and heartfelt.
Beautiful
Wow–this resonates baby, especially the last line.
Im so happy I found your blog. I have been following you since your first day. Your life experiences and pain and even all your struggles is a exact mirror of my life. Thank you for being true, you are giving me inspiration everyday knowing I’m not alone out there fighting a battle no one really understands until you have fought this kind of battle.
Wow, iI is very difficult to compliment yourself on a job well done! I’ve been there.
Great writing. Right from & to the heart. I just read another blog. Check it out as I’m sure you can relate, maybe help http://taramcguire.com/
Where have you been all my life…..? Your writing touches the deepest part of my soul! I am anxious to know the cause of your struggle. Like many of us, we have pain and suffering. Through your written word we see light, answers and finally derive comfort. Thank, thank you, thank you!
Love the last line. I resonate with everything you say. Keep on writing!!
You could be with someone and still feel lonely. However, I have my heavenly father with me continously, loving me. Pray.
Beautiful!
Lots of ‘I’s’ in this entry.
32 Comments on OWNING IT