MILES TO GO

July 2nd, 2009 was the day that I found out that I was pregnant with our son. But as some of you may or may not know…that wasn’t the first time that I was pregnant. About eight months earlier, on a blustery December morning just before Christmas, I crawled into bed and told Steve that he was going to be a daddy. Roughly seven weeks later, a doctor at the emergency room told him that he wouldn’t be…at least not this time.

That was a hard time for Steve and I. A sad time. But there is something very important about that time in my life that I want to share with you…

For quite a while before I got pregnant, I was struggling with the direction of my professional life. For as long as I could remember, I wanted to pursue something meaningful. I wanted to add to the betterment of my life through the work that I did. But I didn’t feel like I was doing any of this. I had a great job…one that I was very good at…but not one that inspired me. While others were praising me for my success, I was feeling like a failure for not having lived up to my potential.  I found that as time went on, it became harder and harder to face such a major change in my life. Security won over passion and practicality won over bravery. But it always bothered me. Immensely. I felt a profound sadness over how the majority of my time was being spent and suffered from great anxiety over the portion of my life that was passing me by in, what I considered, a state of aimless purpose. I had spent years in school and even longer excitedly looking forward to the contributions that I was going to make in the world through my work…only to find that I had fallen far short of the expectations that I had for my life. I felt constant disappointment in myself.

A few months after I really started to struggle with this, my husband and I decided to try and start a family. We always knew that we wanted children – this was a given – but suddenly the timing of it seemed ideal to me because having a baby would redirect my attention to something other than the professional emptiness that I had been feeling for so long. In all honesty, having a baby meant that I wouldn’t have to think about it for awhile and when the time came when I would have to think about it again, the decision would no longer be about me because I would have no choice but to do what was best for my family. In a nutshell, having a baby would have made the decision for me…which was to not make a decision at all. I suddenly yearned for a child more than ever so that I could be freed from the emotional confines that were making me feel like such a failure.

And sure enough, the day came when the test was positive and life would begin to change. Except that it didn’t. I remember the moment as vividly as if it were yesterday…the moment in which I realized that the feelings I was struggling with weren’t going away just because I was pregnant…that my ambition for my self and my life hadn’t vanished with the two pink stripes that appeared on the test…that at some point in time, probably sooner than I thought, not only was I going to be overwhelmed with these questions again but I was going to be doing so as a mother. This broke my heart. I had broken my heart. Because I had given up.

Once the pain from our miscarriage began to heal and we started to feel like ourselves again, I swore to myself that never again would I allow circumstances to make my life decisions for me…never again would I relinquish that responsibility for my own happiness. And it’s the most important decision that I’ve ever made. Certainly not the easiest decision…but definitely the most important.

On March 11th, 2010, Hudson was born. It was the best day of my life. I looked at my son and I looked at my husband and I knew that the world was exactly as it should be. If nothing else, at least for that moment. In the six months between our miscarriage and finding out we were pregnant again, I picked up a camera and started my business having no idea what would come of it. I did my best to make amends with relationships that I had let go {yet wanted to retain} and I let go of relationships that I fought too hard to hold on to when, in reality, they needed space to go their own way. I faced some of my darkest fears and in the battle of life, I managed to win. This time. And this time, I’ve learned, is all you have…and may be all that you are given. This time however, is also all that you need.

I tell you this because it is the ultimate of my confessions and one that I’m not very proud of. But it’s also my greatest lesson and one that I wanted to share; The lesson being to never give up on your life. Ever. I can say this as a person who nearly did. As a person who was very close to giving up her responsibility to choose happiness. As a person who nearly chose to hand over the reigns. As a person who – God bless – was given the opportunity to change directions…but not without its price…not without its pain…not without its loss. Don’t give up. Don’t ever give up.  You owe it to yourself to make at least that one promise.

I have no idea what will come of this life.  But I do know that with it being the only shot we’ve got…we’ve got to make it count.  We’ve got to make it matter.  We’ve got to make ours.   As Robert Frost once wrote…”The woods are lovely, dark and deep…but I have promises to keep…and miles to go before I sleep…and miles to go before I sleep…”

Sweet dreams, dear friends…

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  1. Danielle says:

    Such a fabulous post Gen – I can relate to so much of what you have written here. I often feel that in many ways I continue to struggle to be doing/being exactly what I want to be. But you’ve reinforced why I’ll never stop trying. Thank you my friend. 🙂

  2. Neil says:

    Robert Frost was one of Virginia’s and Maes favorite, recited frequently as a guidepost as we all go through a dark winters night.

  3. Jamie says:

    Thank you for sharing this story; your confession is something I think many can relate to. I know I’m in a place where I am still trying to figure it all out for myself – I’m lucky to have someone like you in my life who is so encouraging and such an inspiration while I make my own path 🙂

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